End of Week Thoughts

This week has been one of learning, reflecting, and dealing with demons.  It hasn’t been an easy week, but I think I maybe I have seen some things that need cleaned up in  my head.  The demons of self-doubt, low self-confidence, self-pity, anger, bitterness…have consumed my life for far too long.  And it’s time I do something about it.  I won’t tell you what triggered this sudden revelation, other than it was few kind words from someone I consider far wiser than myself.

I learned that anger doesn’t do anything, but make you bitter.  And it ages you.  I looked in the mirror this morning and figured out something.  I am 35 years old and I have spent 28 of those years being bitter and angry.  I have deliberately found things just to stay angry.  Politics and the world around me, although my biggest interest, have only caused me to become angry and sour.  Social injustices, in whatever form they may take, have only served to entertain my anger.  I have lines in my forehead from frowning!!!!  That isn’t good.  And so, I plan to start working on me!  I need peace.  My body needs peace.  My mind definitely needs peace. 

I look back on all the years, I have wasted being mad over things that have happened that I had no control over.  I have done just that….wasted time.  I have also lost me in that anger.  I seriously, don’t remember who I am anymore.  I laughed at that thought.  But I have lost me.  I have let anger and self-doubt push me into the back of the closet and become lost to myself!

So starting today, I am going to start finding my way back to a better Tanilan.  I am going to stop complaining about the things I can’t change (although, I still think I can give my opinion about stuff…just without the anger…we will see).  I am going to start living life and being happy.  I am not going to let my past mistakes keep me in the back of the dusty old closet anymore. 

Have a great weekend.  And Much Love!

Customer Service (or is anyone picking up the phone in America?!?!?!)

Friday, I spent all afternoon trying to hook up our wireless router for our internet.  I bought it back in December and am just now getting around to hooking it up.  Anyway,  I called the customer service line for the router’s company.  I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.  The person I got, as kind as they were, was not helpful.  I couldn’t understand anything they were saying and had to keep repeating and spelling what I was trying to convey.  Needless to say, I was told to contact my internet provider.  When I called them (which are the same people I get my phone service from), again I got someone that I couldn’t understand. Nor could they understand me.  I called both companies three times each; and each time I got a foreign sounding person. 

I finally got someone that knew what I was talking about (4 hours later) and helped me fix the problem.  But, my beef with this is, aren’t there any Americans working customer service anymore?  With thousands losing their jobs every month, our economic situation looking bleak; isn’t there any jobs, including customer services that aren’t being taken overseas? 

I remember applying, a few years ago (maybe 5 or 6) to AT&T for a customer service position.  They told me I was overqualified.  I WANTED TO WORK!  I didn’t care how menial the job was, I just wanted to work.  I know there are probably thousands of qualified or overqualified American workers out there that these companies could hire to do these jobs, they claim no one wants!   How are people suppose to have any hope if no one will give them a fighting chance in the first place?

On a similar note, M asked me the other night, as we were watching television, if anything was made in America anymore.  He’s my label reader so he sees things most of us probably don’t pay attention to. He said everything is made in China or some other foreign country.  He said nothing is made in America anymore.  THIS IS MY about to be thirteen year old!  If he notices, don’t you think our government should too? 

Much Love

Whatever!?!

Okay, I have pretty much given up on the economic stimulus checks that are suppose to go out.  Why would Bush tell people they would get them early, if it really wasn’t going to actually happen?  I will tell you why….He lies!  I have wondered around the internet looking for some answers about this so called stimulus.  And people, let me tell you:  Folks are not happy! 

Granted, you should depend on actually getting this check until it is either in your account or in your mail box.  But still, Bush’s announcement caused a lot of people to hope for some kind of financial relief.  People who are having a difficult time, financially.  So once again, we are have been lied to. 

My hope in reform and change is waning.  I support Obama with all my heart. But will he actually be able to change so many decades of damage to this country?  Will he face opposition because we are too busy being occupied by nonsense we hear and see in the media?  Will he face opposition from the Washingtonites running the country, who are only there to see their own personal agendas through? 

 

Why all the confusion?

President Bush announced the economic stimulus checks would go out a week earlier than planned.  Here is my question:  Where is the new schedule?  Why are people having to guess what is going on?  It is just like our govenment to cause people to panic and search for answers, that no one can give them.

How sad!

Lord! We are being FedEx’d to hell!

According to K his class is being “FedEx’d to hell”. He says they are all insane and have lost their minds. They get in trouble, are drama kings and queens, etc. etc.

So to steal his quote, I think our country is being “FedEx’d to Hell”. I’ll tell you why.

The Presidential Election: There is more mud slinging, defamation of character, name-calling, hate…than the law should allow! Hillary start talking about the issues and stop worrying about why Sen. Obama looks a little different than you and associates with people who are concerned about whether or not African Americans are being treated fairly. McCain, stop trying to tell America Obama is connected to Islam. He is not and you need to stop it.

The Economy: Anytime gas prices go up when someone farts wrong halfway acrossed the world, there is a problem. When people can’t find jobs because some idiot says he can’t find “qualified” people in this country to do the job (he just doesn’t want to pay fair wages to the people he employs), there is a problem. Anytime hard working people have to choose between food on the table and gas in the care, there is a problem.

It is insane! The more I watch television, the more I want to hide from the world. The more I see, the more I want to find some deserted island and get “Lost”. By the way, I watched that show the other night and I am still “Lost” OMG!

When are we going to stop talking about getting this country back on track and over analyzing it; and start making real changes?

Busy Week

Hey everyone!  I just stopped in to tell you, I haven’t take a hiatus from writing.  I am just really busy with cheerleading stuff! 

Did I fail to mention I’m am the new cheerleading sponsor for our high school? Yeah, someone slipped something in my coffee and when I came to, they said I had taking the job (on top of all the other stuff I do).  It is fun, so far, but busy!

See ya later in the week!

Much Love

Day 1: Becoming Smoke-Free

Well, its day one!  I smoked my last cigarette at 7:25 this morning.  Then, I threw the rest of the pack away.  I don’t feel negative about it.  I actually think I can do this, this time.  I will keep trying until I succeed! Now, if I could just stop my stomach from growling…..

Reality Check 101

Yesterday, K gave me a really big reality check.  As many of you know, I have struggled with quitting smoking for a few years now.  Well, he brought it home for me last night.  Coach and I had went to the high school’s baseball game. Before we left the house, I had left my cigarettes out on the front porch.  When I got home, they were gone. 

I looked everywhere!  I couldn’t find them.  I asked K and M if they had seen them.  Both said no.  I kept looking around the yard.  No cigarettes.  I asked them again.  K tells me he threw them in the trash!  WTF!  I couldn’t believe him!  I was really upset.  He told me, “I am trying to save your life!”  I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes.

It has bugged me all night and all morning.  And I have decided to try this again.  I am going to make a gigantic effort to quit.  Those tears got me.  So I am going to try this again.  So I’m setting my date and getting after it.  Wish me luck!  Again!

Much Love

My Racial Ranting! (Yeah I’m About To Get “Crunk” On This One)

Okay, as you can probably tell by the title of this piece, I am angry!  Okay I’m beyond angry!  So let’s discuss this.  And I promise this may offend some folks.  As my students say I’m about to get real “crunk” up in here.

I am an African-American, Black, Negro, Colored American!  Whatever it is you want to label me doesn’t make me a damn!  In my mind, and the mind of my family and friends, I am Tanilan!

We live in the United States of America, where we have a history of slavery, oppression, disenfranchisement.  We have a history of hate amongst those who are different than one another that did not stop when Dr. King was murdered.

How are you going to tell me not to be angry about the past?  How are you going to tell me not to be angry about how people stare at me and my WHITE husband and my half-white kids?  How are you going to tell me not to be upset when some skin-head, who doesn’t even know my name, calls me something my momma did not name me?

Why should I settle for how things are in this country?  Why am I deemed unpatriotic; because, I don’t support a war that we shouldn’t be fighting in the first place?  You question  my loyalty to this country when I say I would discourage my kids from going halfway around the world to fight a bunch of folks that don’t want our help in the first place? Sorry that doesn’t fly with me?

Don’t tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do, because no one told you to feel the way you do.  Don’t try to tell me I should be calm, while you are stepping on not only my neck, but the neck of everyone that gets in your way.  Don’t tell me how to feel when I see kids in my town, not getting the education they deserve because our community isn’t overflowing in money. 

Stop trying to discredit Obama, because he IS Black!  Stop trying to discredit him because he is a “half-breed” as many call it.  Stop making up lies about the man, when you don’t even know what your talking about; and they are only lies that you would make up, just because he looks a little different than you.  STOP THE DAMN MADNESS ALREADY!

Let The Music Play

As many of you know, I love music!  I mean, how can one get through life without it?  I am not nailed down to just one or two genres of music either.  The genre I like at any moment really depends on the kind of mood I am in. 

This week, I have gotten hooked on the game Guitar Hero.  I am not any good at it, but my kids think I rock all the same.  Plus, the music on the game is some of the things I grew up listening to. It’s like a soundtrack to my childhood.  A few of the songs are just songs I really enjoy.

Speaking of music, I read something this morning that nearly had me leaping out of my chair.  And I know when I tell you, you will think I have fell out of my chair and bumped my head.  But….New Kid On The Block is getting back together!!!!!!  You have to understand I had 482 posters wallpapered of them on my wall in high school. I saw them in concert in Dallas the summer of my senior year with my best friend (after I bamboozled my dad for the money for tickets and airfare). I just hope they sound as good as they did then.  I still have all their tapes (haven’t converted them to CD yet). Gosh what times!

I was really hyped about Depeche Mode and the Cure, back then.  So much, my brother accused me of being the whitest black kid he knew.  This is coming from the same guy that had Peter Frampton Live (best album ever made) on vinyl, along with Black Sabbath and Deep Purple; just to name a few.  Whatever, bro!  Music isn’t about color.  Music is about feeling and passion.  Music is for anyone that will listen to it!

Well, I may post some more today, but I don’t know.  If no, have a great weekend and God Bless.  I plan on resting this weekend.  Really tired.

 Much Music & Love

Coffee & Politics As Usual

As my normal routine, I am reading the morning news online, drinking my first of many cups of coffee.  I get to the political section and my heart just sinks.  The bickering continues, with Clinton saying Obama can’t win.  They keep bring up Obama’s pastor. McCain wants to stay in Iraq for eternity.  Clinton can’t even lie right (remember her misspeaking about her Bosnia trip). But not one of them is truly addressing the problems our nation is facing today…this very minute.

I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t rich to begin with. But the price of feeding two teenage boys and a very active husband is about to kill me.  And trying to chase after them at every event they are involved in is sapping me dry.  I read the message boards and comments on many of the news service. I am not the only one. 

I am an Obama supporter.  I was way before he even decided to throw his hat in the race.  But the media has overshadowed his message of change in America, with the words of a man he calls a friend.  They don’t want to hear about Obama’s plans for changing the way this country works.  They would rather fuel racial controversy. Yes, there is a racial problem in America.  But that is not putting food on my table or dropping the price of gas to fill my car. 

People misconstrue what others say and twist it to fit their own agendas.  While the majority of us just want to know if our country is going to survive this economic mess we are in.

Life At The House of Tanilan

The past few months have found me busy, sad, determined, happy, relieved, confused, angry…I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride and I would love to get off.  But that is not how things work for me.  So I keep riding. 

I still keep up on the current events of the world.  And I still have the passion I have always had to express my feelings on them.  But, the words just won’t come out here or anywhere else.  So I have been silent. 

K, M, and Coach are all doing well.  We are wishing this school year will end.  It has been a hard one; with all the changes and things not going as we would have hoped in our school district.  But, we roll with the punches and keep going.  I don’t foresee a move in our immediate future; but, in the coaching business, one can never get too comfortable.

K is growing up way too fast on me!  He will be in high school this coming Fall, and I am not excited.  It is forcing me to except that (a) I am getting old and (b) my baby is growing up.  He has done really well in school this year.  He received Commended Performance on his TAKS (standardized testing) in Reading.  He also won 1st in our district in the 300m Hurdles and in the triple jump.  My Olympian!

M is taller than me (I stand 5′7 1/2″) and will be in 8th grade in the Fall. He is doing well in everything as well.  He is starting to come out of his shell and has grown quite a sense of humor in the past few months.  He is my long distance runner; and did well for his first year of school organized athletics.  He has even become quite the basketball player as well.

Coach…well, he is still just as busy as ever.  And he has not had the best few months. He lost both of his grandparents (Dec 23, 2008 & Jan 6, 2008).  He had to leave his boy’s athletic program in order to take over our girl’s program (apparently, people in these parts think my husband is Superman and can save the world).  He does a lot on top of teaching Freshman English.  So he is tired alot.

As for me, we like I said I am rolling with the punches and trying to smile.  Depression is a bad thing and not easy to get over.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my family.  But my mind is not happy.  My heart sings for them, but not for me. I get my joy from watching them.  But nothing more.

I also volunteered to be next year’s cheerleading sponsor (don’t ask me what I was thinking, because I seriously think someone slipped something in my coffee).  I’m excited and scared.  But I think I can do it. 

Well, I am going to try and be around here more often.  I miss you guys.  I miss writing and spouting off.  So until the next post…..

Much Love

Getting A Few Things Off My Chest (or What Has Really Made Me Mad Today)!

Okay lately I have been really silent, I know.  But I have a few things I need to get off my chest!

First off:

The Presidential race is giving me indigestion.  I don’t care what anyone said, did, thought, believed 20 years ago.  I don’t live in the past.  I live in the year 2008!  What are these people, if elected, going to do for our country to get it back on track?  What are they going to do about the oil companies gouging the American people?  What are they going to do about getting jobs back to the American worker and stop this outsourcing of jobs?  What are they going to do to get our education system back on track?

 Second off:

The media needs to stop trying to fuel a race war. I am an American!  Most of you reading are America!  We need to get over the pigmentation thing!  Just because I have a more pigment than you does not make me dumber, smarter, richer, or poorer than anyone else. 

Third:

Our education system is going down the drain!  Our kids can not compete in this globalized world because we are too busy trying to test them to death.  How do we expect for our kids to learn when they basically spending an entire school year reviewing for a test?  We need to let our teachers teach!  And for those students who don’t want to learn, we need to find them a trade, bring jobs back to America, and let them earn their keep!

Parents: You are responsible for your offspring!  You had them, you raise them.  It is not the teacher’s job to raise your kids.  It is their job to educate them in the areas of Math, Science, Reading, and Social Studies.  Stop blaming the teacher for you kid not acting right in school, being disrespectful, and/or not showing up in the first place.  You are accountable and you should be!

Sorry!  I just had to get that off my chest!

 Much Love

Tanilan

Life on The Track

I have been silent for a few days, weeks, months.  It as given me some time to think about a lot of stuff in my life.  It has also given me a lot of time to just be comfortable with myself.  My family is doing awesome and that always makes me happy.

We started Track & Field last week, so K & M are extremely happy!  They love running.  Coach is busy with it too.  He’s in his element.  I am just watching of it with a smile on my face, and laughter in my heart. 

I can still see the boys, when they were three and four years old, running as fast as they could.  Smiling!  I can still see Ksurrounded by girls, 10 years older than him, at the finish line cheering him on. You would have thought he was a rock-star with all the groupie teenage girls he had around him (He still thinks he’s a stud, by the way).

I can still see M, at the age of five, running the 100M.  Okay not really running; but jogging and waving at the crowd.  He was last but he didn’t care.  He was just happy all those people came to see him.

Now they are 12 & 13 years old.  And I smile because they still have that same child-like love for running.  They haven’t grown up in that sense; and hopefully they never will.

Much Love

Sitting Back, Watching the World.

I’m sitting here on my big beautiful virtual porch and staring out at the world.  It is such a troubled world.  It has left me speechless for a moment.  It has left me wondering what will happen next.

I miss blogging on a regular basis.  But I am not inspired, right now.  I’m just…I don’t know how to describe it.  But I do miss you guys and I do check back often.  I just don’t have anything amazing to say. 

Love ya!

Happy New Year!

Just stopping by to say Happy New Year!  It has been very busy and I really would like to tell you everything that has gone on.  I will be back this week; hopefully full of inspiration and new life.

 Much Love!

Happy Holidays!

The House of Tanilan has been very very busy these past few weeks.  We have had playoff games; basketball season started; Coach has gone from head boys’ basketball coach to head girls’ basketball coach; six week tests; semester exams.  It has been very busy.

Just in case I don’t get to tell you guys before the Christmas Break…Have a very very merry and safe Christmas!

Much Love

The State of The World

I usually get dressed to the sound of Good Morning America.  The past couple of mornings I have listen to stories That make me uncomfortable.  It makes me wonder what is happening to our world.  What happened to the happy world of my childhood?

I have heard stories about dentists taking advantage of children by ordering more expensive procedures that are either billed to the insurance or whatever health assistance the child may have. 

I have heard stories about the different recalls that have plagued our nation the past couple of months; and wonder if maybe I shouldn’t just cancel Christmas this year.

I have heard stories about the struggles in Pakistan and wonder how we can support a dictator and still call ourselves patrons of Democracy. 

After hearing the story about the dentists, I reluctantly turned the channel to MTV.  Yeah.  I was sick of hearing all of the doom and gloom.  Then after watching otherwise beautiful Black women, gyrate their hips wearing next to nothing; I turned the thing off.  I felt dirty.  I love rap music, but for some reason this morning, I was absolutely ashamed. And sad!

Our world is in a sorry state.  Our world is not the world of our childhood.  Or maybe we were so blinded when we were young, that we just thought the world was a great place.  I know there are great people out there.  I know there are great things happening in the world.  But we just aren’t seeing it.  And it’s just sad to me.

Quiet

After getting through last week, I have been trying to be quiet; to be still andreflect on the world around me.

Quiet to calm my nerves. 

Quiet to ease the depression that seems to be trying to resurface after the funeral of someone who died way too young. 

Quiet in order to not say the wrong things to anyone.  Because there are a few things I want to say to folks, but I won’t because the repercussions could hurt the ones I love and hold dear.  So I’m silent.

Quiet because once again I have that urge to write and can’t put “pen to paper” and actually get started.  I’ve figured out why I can’t start, but I still can’t seem to write.

Just quiet.

I’ve been reading a lot.  I’ve finished 3 books in the past week and a half.  Coach wonders what is wrong with me.  K & M kind of just let me be. 

I read other peoples’ blogs and accounts of what they are going through in life; and I find that I just am not all that interesting.  But I’m okay with that, finally.  I’m okay with having flashes of inspiration every now and then.  This House is mine and I do with it what I please.  I love the fact that I can come here and just relax and be me.  I can be Tanilan here, whomever she may be that particular day. 

I have accepted that I may be changing.  I have struggled with that for a few months, but I’m good now. I have struggled with finding out who I am for a while; and here I can just be.  This is my den, where I can come and relax. Friends are welcome and always enjoyed. It’s my place where I come to ease my mind; my place to laugh and cry or just be silent.

Much Love To All!

Another Sad Day

When I first got into the education field, in 2004, I never thought I would get attached to the students that fill these halls on a daily basis.  I never thought I would see these kids as my own.  They treat me like their friend, mom (some even call me mom), sister, counselor. And I have grown to love them just like they were K & M. 

This morning, I found out that I had lost one of “my kids”.  His name was Jeremy.  He was a senior the first year I was here.  He was one of those kids that always said “Yes, ma’am” and “No, ma’am”.  He always gave me a big bear hug everytime he saw me. 

When we won an impossible football game a few years ago, he twirled me around through the air and was so happy.  I think he even picked Coach up during a win after a playoff game.  His smile was so infectious.  When we lost a football game, it was as if he had lost the Super Bowl.  He was very competitive kid and he was good at what he did.

The last time I saw him was last week in the grocery store.  He gave me a big hug and asked how I was doing.  He teased me about something that I can’t recall now.  I wish I could.  I just know it made me laugh.  And he smiled that wonderful smile.

There are so many good qualities Jeremy that I will remember.  There are some struggles that I know he had; but that doesn’t change that fact that he was like one of my own.  He was a special soul. And he will be missed. 

All of my other kids are pretty torn up about what has happened.  And I’ve cried all day.  I will miss seeing him around town and I am hoping his little sister, who is a junior in High School will be okay.  We will have to all be strong for one another.  And that is what is important…to be there for each other.

I will miss you, Jeremy.  I know you are probably up there smiling down on us.  And yes, I will be yelling my ass off at the game this weekend…just like I always have

RIP